Two years have passed since the last blogpost. Much has happened: authors must grieve the twin deaths of Alice Munro (May 2024), the poetic genius in short format, a writer of nostalgia for lives we never lived, and Paul Auster (April 2024), the textual illusionist, meandering through subjectivity and identity. If writers are distant friends, if books are their letters, must we not be sad at loss of such genuine correspondence?

Little must be written here, much elided over. Perhaps there will be time to return to Munro’s provocations, her controversial life and storytelling. Here, we have Auster: Auster who penned the private eye/I, the subjective singularity that engulfs his characters, his plots, his cities, his readers, him; Auster who was a kaleidoscope within his own stories of so many different personas: the Rothesque ghostwriter shadowing other artists, the archivist copiously chronicling his own cities through his own characters, the detective of imagined crimes, the seer and seen, the author and authored. To read Auster is to see New York differently, like it is to read Joyce and see Dublin differently. The mechanism, however, is different. Joyce presents a measured profligacy; Auster presents redundant minimality. Auster sees the world as if from a pinhole camera and then redoubles the blurry edges over, and over, and over, until the contours of a story emerge.

My relationship with Auster has been tenuous. I had always held him at a distance — his evocative premises, fixation on language and misinterpretation, error and frailty at odds with the scale of life I concerned myself with. Except, Auster beckoned me to look at the oddities even in this scale, in its repetitions, its frictions and its slippages. In the previous post, I had mentioned that I would implicate Auster when discussing our engagement with speculation. It is odd, remembering someone one day and finding them departed the next.

It is also odd to open an opinion piece on speculative fiction with literary fiction authors. Colour me biassed. I would love to speak of similarities in the mathematical worlds of Abott and Lem, of cultural distinctions that we routinely draw in these genres, of time and its evolution through time. But there are times when one must view the earth from the moon, when one must assay a country from another, when genres appear suddenly warped from another. That is the idea.

In his famed New York Trilogy,¹ Auster speaks of truth, detection and detectives. Unlike conventional detectives, a Sam Spade, a Sherlock Holmes, a Miss Marple, characters whose shadow pervades the plot, whose larger-than-life identity provides solid ground on which you are willing to bet the truth, characters who linearise time: from not knowing to knowing, each chapter an increment, a nugget of wisdom, Auster’s detectives are diffuse, anonymous (and thus autonomous). There is a sense, in his works, that time is playing tricks on you, that the past will face you at the next intersection as your future, as your alter ego whose life is on a different trajectory.

Strewn throughout his works, therefore, are indicators of an identity that do not cohere. A detective watches a mark even as he feels watched, a wretched cog in an absurd game of waiting, not acting. A horde of identities seem to erupt from the page: the detective, sometimes Daniel Quinn, sometimes Paul Auster (the character? the author? the pseudonym?) seem to speak simultaneously. A man involves himself with the life of Hector Mann, actor in silent movies, whose life on camera he brilliantly recalls in remarkable detail. Always, there is the idea that one life has been trapped by another, caught in a web, where in all directions what radiates is yet another strand of a life that one seems to be distantly living. Therefore of being under perusal from this distance, an inability to walk in your own skin as your own person.

In such a complex field, the ‘I’, argues Auster, is a sinkhole. It is at once the authoritative Investigator, the intimate Subject and the roving Private Eye, and the attractor for all such identities which entangles with yours. Through desire, through imitation, through surveillance and consumption, through comparison, the ‘I’ repeatedly contracts the other, measures up against it and then sinks it. I call this idea the ghost: a way of living that takes you on a collision course with somebody else’s life. As Brockmeier says: “It would take so little. Why didn’t it happen?”²

To live as a ghost is to live on the knife-edge of absolute subjection and absolute freedom, a curious phantasmic life indeed. It is a virtual unity of contradictions, a life where saying: how can I be other than what I eventually will be? is to simultaneously declare yourself free from the clutches of your own future. Every action is lent significance in the future; each passing desire, each obligatory act — are we not always susceptible to being looked back at in ten years, with a future us saying: this is not so; it was never meant to be so. Read Carloff (Time Heist), who writes about the present being continuously botched up by knowledge that things will reset. Or McCaffrey (Central Time), for whom the present is inundated with constraints. The horror of time is thrown open to us precisely when we let ourselves be determined by the future; should we not instead declare that the future will be what it will be, and thus declare ourselves free? An empty freedom indeed! But the ghost reminds us that all freedom is, in the final analysis, empty, a declaration sans creation.

Auster navigates through this subjection-freedom. There is always the terminus of what one must become; the end has always been in sight. What constitutes the story is the progression towards the end, the becoming of a pure subject, the possession of the body of the other, the ticking into pure freedom.

What does it matter to us? Here, let us return to Bachelard again who writes: “… the joy of reading is the reflection of the joy of writing, as though the reader were the writer’s ghost.”³ No reader, says Bachelard, reads without trying to become the writer. To the extent that a modest reader is kept in place is by the sheer genius of the writer himself. The good writer maintains a ghostly reader, there to be possessed but resisting possession. She is the hero of every horror genre who keeps the ghost at bay, who resists every attempt on her body, on her soul. The reader, in his turn, must attempt a seizure, a subjection-freedom, a possession; that is the fulfilment of his desire.

In this curious setting, Bachelard hints at an equally curious idea. Who here is creative if not the reader? The writer, through the text, is present as if objectively. It is the reader who must move the text and be moved by it in turn. It is his gaze, his experience of the text, that is Bachelard’s central concern. The writer is relegated to the margins, the significant other. This is an inverted horror movie, one where we enter the lives of the ghosts and see them haunting the real world. The selection by the reader is the artistic act, insofar as art is the experience of expression of desire.

Through Auster then, we find what it is to be a hungry artist, continuously trying to meld with the world. In the pieces that we shall publish this year, especially the entries from our Faux Tales contest, this is what we have continuously tried to do. Which story among these would I have written; who is the author we would have anyway become if we were to become the Author?

There is, of course, a silly way of reading this entire idea as hubris. Are we therefore saying that we could have written the story in spite of the author? Are we not therefore saying that the author is a mere accident, a chancy being who got there first, planted their flags on terrain that was otherwise our manifest destiny? This is not what I mean by the ghost. The ghost does not exist without man, the reader without the writer, the editor / magazine without our authors. In the absence of the author, there is no future that we can emptily gesture towards. It is only when our authors write these stories that they bring into the world the conditions of our freedom; it is only by pointing at them, their expression, their words, that we say: there, that is exactly what I would have wanted to say anyway. There is no predestination because there is no future yet — the future will be in its own time — there is only a freedom from the future that we seek.

Consider, in this vein, Vajra Chandrasekera’s comments (The Limner Wrings His Hands) on the author-machine. Begin reading where it allegedly ends: “This story was generated by the machinic state, the prison within the prison like the text within the text, the state of the machine, the machine ulcerated, the machine cold but learning… To fight gods, especially gods that you made, you must become monstrous.” End where he begins: “This story is a monster; that is to say, this story is written by a monster. That is, that is to say, a monster is a mantra, a maniac, a (de)monstration, a (demon)stration, a(n auto)maton, a matos, an emanation of the manas.” In between, you might find him saying that the author-artist does authorship-artistry only when throws open his own subjection to the universe, only when he absolves his own subjection. Art here is not unlike faith: the artist does not make a spectacle of the prison; he short-circuits the transition between the reading of the prison and the finding oneself within it. This is the artistic function.

This is also a lesson in temporal intimacy, a coming together at every moment of our anticipation for tomorrow. Call it what you will: a textual tryst, a speculative romance, a political solidarity; these are but labels of a gnawing metaphysics of time. And it requires other intimacies, some cultural, some genetic, some interactional. The question then is who or what emerges from these intimacies, and whether such emergence may be truly called South Asian. What are the peculiarities of South Asian speculative fiction, and is there some truth to South Asian experiences that can serve as a criterion for categorizing stories?

In time, I will write about this.

Notes

1. Auster, P. (1990). The New York trilogy. Penguin. ︎
2. Brockmeier, K. (2021). Pieces of elsewhere: The horizontal and the vertical in character and fiction. Sewanee Review, 130(4), 735–765. ︎
3. Bachelard, G. (2014). The poetics of space (M. Jolas, Trans.). Penguin. (Original work published 1958) ︎

“Must you pluck all the flowers?”

“Hey prabhu! Must you always startle me so?”

“Have you completely given up on sleep? Even the sun is yet to rise.”

“It’s the thieving neighbours. I must get them all before anyone is up.”

“The gods don’t need so many every day. I’m sure they’re tired of the same old flowers.”

“You and your tirade against my gods! For once, just stop wandering and go get some rest.”

You see, for the last twenty years or so, I have hardly slept a good wink—let alone rest—around the crack of dawn. As far back as I can stretch my unreliable memory, I cannot remember a day of our shared matrimonial life when the stubborn woman has not woken up at these ungodly hours. Even before the next-door rooster has cleared his throat, the entire house rings with a pandemonium of noises big and small—the ear-splitting creak of the rusty bathroom door, the rhythmic swoosh of the broom in the courtyard, the urgent jingle of her bangles attune with the dull thuds of her footsteps. Who can sleep around such a circus, not to mention the routine lowing of the neighbour’s cattle all night?

A lone owl’s hoot pierces through the thick, wintry silence of the dawn. The cool dew soothes my callouses as I struggle to put one foot in front of the other. They say wintertime makes old wounds come alive, reminding the body of the many shocks it has survived through the years. It has been a long walk though getting used to the distance is entirely another thing. I try blowing away some glistening cobwebs from the tagar tree—how beautifully it has grown! In full bloom, the small tree has morphed into a constellation of its own, its milky white flowers sparkling like tiny stars in the dark. I still remember the blazing summer afternoon when I had received my first salary; it was not much but so was the work of shuffling files in a government office all day. Proud as punch, lugging a gunny sack stacked with saplings of several flowering plants, I had walked home from the village bus stop. My mother and little sister, waiting by the verandah and probably expecting a freshly caught mirikali or a big ripe jackfruit, were unable to mask their disappointment.

In the soft blur of twilight, the peeled paint on the front wall resembles a furrowed bark of an old tree. I should have seen to its repair in time, when the place was yet to become a warehouse of unsightly cracks and clutter. I was fortunate to be left as the sole caretaker of this house since my younger siblings chose to prosper and grow old in the only big town in the district. They rarely visited the village. My mother, who refused to move, handed over the upkeep of the house to my wife after we got married. Reduced to a functional ruin now, the four close-packed rooms—the smallest doubles up as the kitchen and utility space—and a sizable backyard served us well over the years. With the little money I had saved up after a decade of employment, a small sitting room adjacent to the verandah and a pucca bathroom were added later.

My eyes rest on the big blob of seepage on the bedroom ceiling, giving it the appearance of a poorly drawn map by a child. Even the window curtains—the only remaining pair that match—have doubled in weight from gathering months of dust, the beige altered to a moldy brown. The steel almirah that once safekept the few valuables we owned, is now a dedicated shrine for junk of all kinds. Over the past few years, it has been piled with plastic boxes, paper cups, disposable spoons, wooden combs with missing teeth, utensils that have lost both their shape and purpose, and what have you. What started as a memorabilia collection in her younger days has ballooned into a ridiculous compulsion. I want to pull my hair and scream into the void, but I fear her sharp tongue.

“Tell me, what is so fancy about these plastic food trays? When will this habit stop?”

“Baah! Don’t you start now.” Almost hissing, she continues, “How do you keep wearing that same soiled shirt every day then?”

“How can you even bring me into this? As if I have an option.”

On the few occasions I secretly convinced Dhulia to dump it all by the banks of the Brahmani, her detective senses would sniff me out, and the entire matter ended up in a heated argument. One time she even went so far as threatening to jump into the river herself. Just like her gods, all that bric-a-brac too is sacrosanct; naturally, Dhulia is not allowed anywhere near them. His odd jobs, like weeding the vegetable patch and unclogging drains, are strictly restricted to the outer periphery of the house. My mother, who lived for less than a decade with us before she succumbed to a massive heat stroke, had taught her well. Despite their continuous bickering that would often drive me to the panchayat office for some quiet, they bonded well over pettiness and pakhala.

She sprinkles the remaining puja water on straggly clumps of yellow and pink tuberoses that have sprouted around the rim of the well. A few stubborn ones have broken through the cracks in the concrete, attracting small butterflies and dragonflies. In a fruitless attempt to draw her attention, I circle the drying well and pretend to gauge the level of the water. Following her—more out of habit than purpose—I hobble all the way to the verandah and try stretching my bad leg slowly against the broken stairs. The winter sun washes over me, rekindling the memory of a warm compress on my useless limb. As she approaches the sitting mat, her pet parrot Rupa throws a sudden tantrum, flapping its wings in a demonic frenzy. I won’t lie, it is the most nagging bird I’ve seen in my time though it is not hard to guess who it mimics. I tried to free it more than once but every time the rascal would fly its way back after teetering on the guava tree for a bit.

Every morning after she is done with her chores, a large part of which includes the daily puja, she would sit on the verandah floor with the newspaper spread under her nose. Ignoring the pressing concerns of the world, she would turn the pages in a haste and stop at the Daily Horoscope section. Quite a self-proclaimed expert of the zodiac, she has always stood firm on her hypothesis that people born under the Kanya rashi suffered the most trials and tribulations. Neither material prosperity nor good karma smiled upon her lot, as if the goddess Laxmi herself had some personal beef with them. She would often lament this astrological inheritance from her mother, grumbling over the generational wealth passed down to her.

Reaching for her customary mid-morning tea, which is saccharine to the point where ants circle the teacup in minutes, she clicks her tongue in dismay.

“Bad news?” I swat a fly circling above her head.

“If only you had been this attentive always! It’s a pity how men become so desperate in old age.”

She casts a sideways glance and continues running her index finger along the prediction. “My planets have not been in sync for some time. The full moon too is approaching in a day.”

“Hmm… Did your planets never warn you about me?”

I smirk; it always infuriates her.

A gust of cool wind carries a shower of tagar flowers across the verandah. While some land on her lap, caught in between the creases of her crumpled cotton saree, few rest on the bold newspaper headlines as if on a mission to block out the world’s ugliness. Disinterested in the floral intervention, she smooths away a few wisps of white hair from her eyes. With a singular focus, she surveys the crisp blue sky which does not carry a single trace of cloud. A pale, almost full moon waits patiently for its last sliver to complete yet another full circle. How I envy the moon, its ability to resurrect itself from the pit of darkness every month.

Years ago, her pantheon of the sun, moon and planets failed to foretell the fate of a dying man. They did little to caution her about a ravenous lump, the size of a lemon, gnashing through my left femur. I shudder recalling those days of wait and despair when, lying awake for hours, I could hear the inevitable shrinkage of my body, witness its gradual emaciation to the form of a skeletal child. During such sleepless nights, drenched in sweat and delirium, I’ve seen her throw up in the backyard. My poor brinjal plants! I know, it was a lot to stomach, the stench of my festering bedsores. The very thought still makes my insides churn, that brown, fishy discharge of pus melded with betadine.

It has been seven long winters to that fateful night. I remember there was a full moon that night as well. A thirsty blood moon, you see.

And then one day, I earnestly set out with the resolve to rescue my mother, and hunt and kill the monster.

That was my childhood, an age that would transform the harmless, ruinous mansion at the edge of the huge lake owned by the Ghosh family, where I would spend many an afternoon, fooling about, into a ghostly palace, brimming with cruel secrets at night. My father was the caretaker of that mansion. He earned a monthly wage courtesy of the old Ragendra Narayan Ghosh without having to really clean and maintain the large garden overgrown with weeds, alongside the cold eyes of the dark forest and the primitive, deep, inky waters of the lake. Ragendra Narayan was the only living descendant of that mansion. He had no room for affection in his voice that was housed in his large, formidable six-feet frame. His visage was marked by a thick, curling moustache and an irascible temper. It was rumoured that during his service in Patna, he had shot and killed a servant during one of his spells of violent temper. Although the case went cold with help from the authorities, he couldn’t save his job. He came here after that and his old ancestral mansion swallowed him whole, like he was some weak, ailing animal, in the few cognizant moments before his very last breath. He didn’t venture out of the house much, but his savage temper was infamous in the locality. The boys in the neighbourhood would call the old man ‘Angry Man’. Growing older, it was rather heartrending to realize that he was not even that old.

My father slowly faded away in his job as a caretaker, running small errands, going to the market and the bank as part of his daily job. But even after cooking for Ghosh Babu the entire day, my mother’s smile was like that of a golden moon. I would grab my mother’s long hair and swing, searching for my own pond in her deep eyes. As a matter of fact, my mother’s long, thick hair, that ran past her broad shoulders, down her waist was my playground, and my mother, even after a day’s hard work, didn’t have an ounce of indignation. She used to play with me every evening, looking for surprising finds such as nuts embedded in the frozen soil. She would enthusiastically frolic in the waters of the lake, keeping up with me, collecting neglected, unripe mangoes, scattered here and there in the garden along with fallen bird nests. My father would lie inside the room, in the pale light of the bulb, and looking at us with resentful eyes, he would mutter, “Fallen woman! Wasted womb!”

My father was like a distant island. Even the sweat on his forehead was unfamiliar. Ma had never been able to cut through his mountainous displeasure and indifference, that dwelled atop our little home in a corner of the garden, and fill it with soft tenderness. Baba couldn’t tolerate us. He would return home drunk in the evening at times and push me out of the house and close the door and windows. I used to listen to Ma’s screams, her tears, her silence, used to get a whiff of the black mark below her lips, the blooming remnants of kicks in her waist. But I wasn’t moved to tears because I knew that the time for play with my mother as well as my father’s beatings was limited. A mad darkness lay hidden beyond Baba’s weak outbursts, that would take Ma away some day like a cursed princess in some fairy tale into a dark unknown, just like it did every day. I would feel pity for Baba, even at that age—thin, middle-aged, his head progressively balding, his lack-lustre gaze and dirty teeth. I had heard the people of the village jokingly call him a cuckold, laugh throatily and, in their comic laughter, fall on each other. But I didn’t know what the word meant, and felt pity for Baba even without knowing what it meant. He seemed like a stunned giant who wasn’t competent or selfish enough to protect his own garden.

The Ghosh family, who owned this ruined mansion, were the descendants of a zamindar clan. They used to rule their land in the daytime and at night used to hunt and kill helpless passers-by and loot whatever they had. This addiction had seeped into their blood. All that was left now was the mansion, with its fading glory, whose bricks, stones and beams lay exposed, where poisonous cobras lay on broken stairs counting hours, where disobedient banyan stems reared their heads breaking the walls. Still, a few rooms were whole, with frescoes in the ceiling and broken chandeliers, that reminded one of that glorious lordship, murderous and cruel, and in one of these rooms, stayed Angry Man. He didn’t mix with outsiders. Sometimes, he strolled in the back garden and groaned crossly upon spotting an unwanted visitor. But he had never reprimanded me for anything, merely looked at me steadfastly, enough to turn my blood to water. Angry Man didn’t venture outside even when the house was leased for a shoot. He used to stay cooped in a room on the first floor the entire day. I would observe the boisterousness of the shooting party that would ask my father to get booze for them. When Ma used to knead the flour to prepare luchis, white flour lumps would ooze out from the gaps in her fingers like pus. One of the cinema folks would sit beside Ma and chat, smoking cigarettes, leaning towards her at times, and I could understand Ma’s smile then. And in the barbeque would smoulder the glorious neck, insolent rear and lively breast of the country chicken.

But all of this was till the evening. That was the allotted time. When night descended, she would cook for us, feed me, keep Baba’s food covered, lay me down in bed, and then leave for the mansion. She didn’t return at night. I used to cry a lot initially, grabbing hold of the border of her saree, refusing to let her go. And then, after I was asleep, Ma would steal away, opening my fist gently, and Baba would toss and turn beside me the entire night, like a burnt lump of coal. Many a time, I would wake up from sleep at dawn, when I would understand that Ma had quietly entered the room. She would leave silently like a thief, and come home similarly. I would press my face to Ma’s freshly bathed hair because it smelled of the fresh earth.

I had asked Ma many times why she went to the mansion at night, but never got a reply or an explanation. The answer was revealed unexpectedly one day. That afternoon, I was picking unripe fruits from the Jamrul tree near my home with a long stick. Ma had finished cooking early, so she had joined my game a little before her usual hour. The sunlight slipped off the rain-washed, blue sky into the secluded environment. A snail waddled past on the wet earth near my feet, its snout gently brushing my heel, butterflies flitted around wildflower bushes, and I sometimes looked over to the lake yonder to see if the wings of the birds had coloured some of its black waters. When Ma called me, a dense army of termites fell across my hands in dust — “Raju, look! There is a beehive on the wild Jujube plant. We will break it after a few days.” 

I lifted my head, and suddenly, it seemed as if a drop of blood rose from my throat. I saw a terrifying face looking at me steadfastly from the high terrace of the mansion. ‘Ah!’, I cried out and put my hands on my face. Ma came running and clutched my hand — “What happened dear?”

“There. On the terrace. A monster! It was looking at me.”

Ma looked up. “Where? I don’t see anyone there.”

I saw that the place was deserted, as if freshly washed. Still, I became aware of its presence. Ma’s eyes were like the sky, thick dirt inside her nose, her pitiful, white fingers would have a dent if pressed for too long, she had two deep folds on her neck, hidden within which lay a field full of secrets. When all of these laughed together, the monster seemed like a lie. Ma laughed freely and said, “You are scared. What a silly child!” But what if it came when she was not there?

And it did. Ever since that time, it would stare at me in the desolate afternoons from the roof, quietly, unwaveringly. It wouldn’t say anything, just look at me with that horrible, yellow face, baring sharp, knife-like teeth. Ma wouldn’t have believed me, and Baba would have scolded me, so I couldn’t tell anyone anything. I didn’t have any friends, because the children in the locality would tease me, calling me ‘cuckold’s son’, pulling my pants down. And in that innocent, loveless childhood, if a monster would follow me around with its eyes, where could I have got a reassuring banyan-like support, within whose trembling breath I could lie muddy and unafraid? Even when I looked in fear at the terrace at night, I wasn’t able to see anything in the dense darkness. Ma would be inside the mansion by then. But I knew that it was there, somewhere nearby. And I realized subsequently, that the mansion was the monster’s palace, that Ma, with her long hair, had to enter, helpless, every day. That was the monster’s condition. Perhaps it would imprison Ma like some captured princess in a secret chamber or inside the Ghosh’s lake, whose entire body was blue with the touch of Death’s silver stick.

Angry Man would walk around at that time, swaying in the blue mist of the darkness, sometimes screaming, annoyed at Baba about why there were snake skins in the garden. Baba would digest his expletives silently, with a bowed head. Angry Man would look at me fixedly and I wouldn’t understand the meaning behind his stare. But it would pale in comparison to the fear of the monster; the poor fellow wasn’t even aware that by some cruel magician’s hand, his mansion would transform into a monster’s house at night. I played in the same manner every afternoon and evening. When I chased butterflies, pollen would fall on my hands. I would scoop dry berry seeds with my hands from rabbit burrows, watch small fries and anchovies, whose bodies would scatter rainbows once touched, move hypnotically in the corners of the lake. And amidst my games, I would lift my head to see the monster staring at me constantly. There was no way I could reach the terrace because the stairs had long since broken down. The roof was damaged in parts as well. Sometimes, in the quiet stillness of the night, when the incessant coughing of Angry Man would reach us, I would feel assured that the roof of that endless mansion was intact. Then, were the movements of the monster restricted to only that part of the house? But I could spot him at different points of the roof, even the ones that were damaged. It slept the entire day and, in the evening, pulled down the hapless princess to hell. What kind of a monster was this? Didn’t it fall on me therefore to slay this monster? To save my mother?

A few days passed as I thought about these things. A tanned fox in the garden informed me that a flight of stairs descended from the ghat that was strewn with broken stones. On reaching the last step, one could see the palace of hell, decorated with diamonds and precious stones. A group of poisonous snakes guarded that hellish palace. Their breath would stun and freeze the wayward fish. And that palace apparently met the mansion at some point. A rabbit, who was my friend, showed me a long thread that trailed along the dew-sodden grass and went into the lake. The old woman of Time, who dwelled below the water, used that thread to spin quilts. As I observed, I realized even more that the monster’s life lay in the wings of a bee, or in the body of a black cobra, or in the deathly seed of some unknown fruit. That is why I decided to follow Ma and discover where lay the seed of its life.

And then one day, I earnestly set out with the resolve to rescue my mother, and hunt and kill the monster.

That night, Baba had again come back home drunk. He attacked Ma coarsely, pushed her around, groaned crudely. But all of that didn’t affect me. When Ma was stealing away at night, I followed her quietly with a small knife in my pocket that I used to skin fruits. Baba pretended that he didn’t notice anything because he didn’t actually care about anything.

The mansion’s huge door would usually close behind my mother, but this time I entered noiselessly along with her. Ma didn’t understand in the darkness that I was right behind her in the shadows. The last speck of light on my shoulder faded away when the heavy hinges latched with one another in their rightful places.

Although I had entered the place often in daylight, this was my first time here at night because Angry Man had strictly instructed Baba and I not to enter after sunset. It was a little difficult for me to adjust to the darkness, so I walked supporting my hands on the wall. Ma walked at a little distance, unhurried, swaying past the narrow passage. Ma’s body dispersed in the dark waters like salt; I had to walk slowly and cautiously.

Then Ma suddenly turned right, and I couldn’t control myself and went and collided with the hard wall. Hearing my inarticulate cry, Ma looked back surprised. Feeling her way in the darkness, Ma stood before me, her eyes enlarged in shock, she sighed deeply. “You? Why are you here?”

“I — I mean — I’m here to kill the monster,” I stammered.

I saw Ma’s eyes fill with dread. Clutching my hands, she hurriedly whispered, “Leave Raju, go. Things will get bad. Why are you here?”

I was stubborn, and I, who was always easily frightened, firmly held on to the knife in my pocket, “I won’t leave, take me to the monster.”

“Why?”

“I will kill it. I won’t let you go anywhere at night anymore.” I lowered my head.

Ma was quiet. Then she let out a suppressed laughter, “Will you kill the monster?”

“Yes.”

Ma sighed after being silent for some time. She looked up cautiously. So, did the monster stay there? “Come with me. Let’s roam around the house a little.”

I roamed around with Ma through many a secret and forbidden passage and hidden chamber inside the mansion. When I almost lost my way, I stretched my hand and touched Ma’s dense, dark hair. The fragrance emanating from Ma’s skin enveloped me, and I strolled around and saw scary masks, spears, withering swords, tiger skin, buffalo heads. All the secrets of this large house lay bare before me, little by little, when Ma familiarized me with the unknown tunnel inside the dilapidated mound of sand, treacherous passageways, the yawning emptiness of the old rooms. I saw the butterfly, that had been suffused with pollen that morning, lying dead on the cold, pitiless floor. I felt bad, but I couldn’t see Ma when I turned back.

“Ma?” I called out twice. I was scared.

Suddenly, Ma startled me and came from my right. Laughing, she said, “Were you scared?”

“What if I got lost?” I was angry.

“Oh, my brave man!” Ma laughed throatily and then pointed up at the wooden beams, “Look Raju, people were hung here. Now, cobras nest in the ventilators.”

I looked up, afraid. I couldn’t see anything, but if I listened carefully, perhaps, I could hear a hissing sound. When I turned back, Ma was missing again. Laughing, she again stepped forward from the darkness after I called her.

It gradually became a game for the two of us. Ma would hide intermittently, I would try to find her and then give up angrily, she would then step out suddenly from behind the broken pillar, or the raised platform in the distance. My eyes became used to the darkness while I was roaming around in this delusion. I had grown tired. I finally sat, supporting myself against the wall.

There was no sound anywhere. All the four corners were still. A little later, I called out, “Ma!”

No one replied. I called out again, “I want to go home, I’m sleepy.”

A rough wind permeated my bones and circled around a little. My head felt heavy, my throat was dry. The wind had made me uncomfortable. The surroundings turned quieter. The insides of my chest thrummed unevenly. I moved ahead slowly through the passage. I didn’t believe that anyone had ever come to this part of the house. It was not even as ornamented as that palace of hell. My feet brushed against something. Bending down, I noticed after some time that it was a dead rabbit, the friend who had told me about the old woman of Time. My chest felt empty, I called Ma twice. But I could hear neither Ma nor Angry Man’s cough, and neither did the monster step forward. Throwing away the knife in my pocket, I ran across this passage and that tunnel, the dance room, the verandah where people were hung, the secret chambers. I searched everywhere but I didn’t find Ma’s familiar smell anywhere. My eyes became clouded, and there was a lump of pain in my throat. Looking at the buffalo’s head in the darkness, my chest grew heavy and numb because I didn’t know the way back. I didn’t even know if I would ever be able to find Ma again. I also didn’t know if her lost redolence like dewdrops would douse the cruelty of the mysteries that pricked my body, or if I would be left to roam indefinitely in this primitive house for the length of my life.

But I still believe that Ma, my sleeping princess, was trapped in that darkness for life, and the monster, pouring all his hoarded love, had turned blue this elusive, fascinating being.

She doesn’t know why he’s here. Her eyes dart to him every time she takes a sip, but he doesn’t seem to want anything. His face is as she’s always known it — round and open with enormous mud-brown eyes — only a little bit paler, and lacking completely in life. The man sitting before her is dead, definitely, but he’s also not a figment of her imagination.

Krish Three is sitting beside Krish Two with his face turned away from her, his mud-browns fixed on the cereal cabinet. No shame in loving coco puffs, he’s said before, but he can’t say that now. And he did love them, sometimes more than her, but never more than the pills, which are also stashed in there. He can’t eat them and will stare blankly when she will take them out later and empty them into the bin. She will then scoop up some coco puffs with her fingers and shovel them into her mouth even though she hates chocolate.

Krishes Four and Five are in the kitchen, both wearing his favorite t-shirt. Urdu letters scream khanabadosh in lemon yellow against their black chests. One of them watches the stovetop when Noor cooks her meals — chicken curry, mostly, in defiance of mourning protocol because who’s going to stop her? When she eats, she eats for him too. Krish Five squats next to the fridge because that’s where the rum is, wedged between the vinegar and the sticky bottle of Rooh Afza. This, she doesn’t drink for him.

Krishes Six and Seven are standing with their backs to each other in the bathroom. Each time she comes in through the door, she finds Krish Six looking at his vial of attar, now nearly empty because he left its mouth open when he used it for the last time. Gill 1460, which made him smell like the rain, now makes the bathroom smell like the monsoon. Krish Seven, looking the other way, stares at his splintered reflection in the mirror — once shiny and whole, now webbed like a windshield that’s been hit by something hard enough to crack, but not break it. The narrow shards of glass lodged in his knuckles glint darkly in the LED light.

Krishes Eight and Nine appear on the sofa the next day. She positions herself between them and watches a mushaira for Krish Eight, who is facing the wall-mounted television, letting Ghalib’s poetry mist over the 4K display and perfume the room like incense. Krish Nine sits on the other side of her with his hands clapped to his ears, his eyes squeezed shut, and his mouth thrown open in a silent scream.

On some nights, curled under the dohar on her chosen patch of carpeted floor outside the bedroom door, she thinks about how all of this is Ghalib’s fault.

کوئی ویرانی سی ویرانی ہے
دشت کو دیکھ کے گھر یاد آیا
There is a desolation more desolate than all others:
a desert reminds me of home.

Pulling the dohar over her ears, she tries to hear the sound of her husband’s voice reciting this sher. But a different couplet curls vapor-like into her mind, dragging up with it her first real memory of him. In a classroom where Mathematics was taught in the mornings and Urdu in the evenings, he had offered it to her like it was a rose.

ان کے دیکھے سے جو آ جاتی ہے منہ پر رونق
وہ سمجھتے ہیں کہ بیمار کا حال اچھا ہے 
When she looks at me, my face becomes so awash with light 
that she thinks I — an ailing man — am well.

Krish Eighteen is looking at a wheelie bag in the closet. A black American Tourister, hard-shelled and reliable. It holds the clothes he carried on his last business trip. Fancy dress time, he would joke every morning while putting on his office shirt, aware of how ridiculous he looked in it. The fit was never quite right, no matter how many sizes and cuts he tried on.

Noor took the bag down from its shelf yesterday, thinking she’d empty it over the next few days. Now Krish Nineteen is curled up in its spot with his face to the wall. She remembers this from last year, when rum and employment were distant memories and the pills weren’t killing pain like the pharmacist had said they would.

I want to be a father, he said in that evening’s haze and something he saw on her face ignited him. There was some shouting, a dinner plate hurled at the wall, a chair smashed into the floor and kicked a few times, finger-shaped bruises on her neck, a brief blackout, hours of worrying and calling former friends, before she realized he’d never left the house.

In the morning he said, I should never be a father.

درد منت کش دوا نہ ہوا
میں نہ اچھا ہوا برا نہ ہوا
The pain is not indebted to the medicine,
as I am neither better nor worse.

Krish Twenty-four stands facing an empty dust square on the living room wall. There are many others like it, but the one his eyes are fixed on previously held a picture of their wedding. The two of them outside the registrar’s office, him in a cream kurta pajama, her in a red-and-gold Banarasi saree, looking happier than they’d ever be again. The former inhabitants of the other dust squares — their families — had chosen not to attend.

A few feet behind him, the carpet covers a black smudge marking the spot where he started the fire using the photographs he took down. Krish Twenty-five sits cross-legged on top of it, his face turned up toward the patch of soot still suspended from the ceiling.

جلا ہے جسم جہاں دل بھی جل گیا ہوگا
کریدتے ہو جو اب راکھ جستجو کیا ہے
Where the body has burnt, the heart, too, must be charred
As you scrape through the ashes now, what are you looking for?

There are too many of him, blighting the house, crowding every room but one, against whose door she now stands clutching her dohar. She searches behind her back for the doorknob and hears it click against the enormous silence of his everywhereness.

Inside, there is only one of him — the very first, who appeared by himself on the night of his disappearance. She spotted him in the far corner of the room, a few hours into her routine of searching the house and calling people, and knew what had happened before the police called.

She spent the auto ride to the hospital trying to decipher what she was feeling because she really couldn’t tell. The closer she pushed herself to how this was supposed to feel, the farther she felt from everything she knew. It was like trying to fit Krish into a shirt — grief was a piece of clothing she looked ridiculous in.

When she stood before the stretcher, the morgue assistant looked away so she could weep like all the other young widows who came in every day. But all she could do was stare at Krish’s open eyes, which held a strange look of wonder, like he had witnessed a miracle in his last moments alive.

At the crematorium, the scent of rain wafted up to her as he lay on the trolley, a white bundle on the whirring metal belt, restless to be on its way. The cremator swallowed him before she was ready, and in the deafening echo of its mouth slamming shut, days and days and days had passed, soaked in the surprise and unreality of it all.

Every other Krish who had appeared in the house was one of two truths, black and white, and choosing one while denying the other was as easy as breathing. But this one — he was too many truths at once. Desert and home and light and dark and ailing and well and medicine and pain and worse and better and body and heart and she loved him and hated him and wanted to remember him and wanted to forget him and she thought her head would explode. So she slept on the floor outside the bedroom door and never came in.

But now she’s here, with nowhere else to go, and there is only one thing to be done. She walks up to his corner, stands in front of him, and looks into his eyes. They look back at her and begin to fill with wonder, like she remembers from the morgue — like they’re witnessing a miracle. The room feels warmer than before and the floor, cooler. She becomes suddenly conscious of how hard and smooth the granite is, how solid beneath her feet. As she lets the weight of what she’s been trying to wear leave her, he begins to crumble until all that’s left is a pile of grey ash on the floor.